The Official Fanfiction University of the 39 Clues
by Miss Fia and Miss Lacey
Summary: A spin-off of Camilla Sandman's original OFUM. Welcome to a  slightly torturous  university that teaches fanbrats through pain, complete with a staff containing many characters from the series, website, and cards.
1. iniziare

_The Official Fanficiton University of the 39 Clues_

~chapter one: iniziare

_by Miss Fia and Miss Lacey_

_The 39 Clues are property of the various authors that have written the series, as well as Scholastic- The credit for the Official Universities of FanFiction are to be given to Camilla Sandman. Thanks to Kit and Minty, the authors of another OFU story that inspired us to write this, a parody that the 39 Clues archive desperately needs._

* * *

In a small suburb town, on an insignificant street, there is an equally small and insignificant house. The family that lives in this house is fairly ordinary, leading typical lives. A father that works to pay bills, a mother that cooks, cleans, and raises their only child; a girl named Stacey Carter.

Stacey wasn't quite as ordinary as her folks, though. In fact, a very _extraordinary_ thing was about to happen to her, the reason being having happened a few months prior. This was the discovery of a website meant for writers. Stacey, being a naïve twelve year old at the time, had no idea that it was a twisted and deformed place, and quickly became one of the many fangirls that plagued the site. She immediately started writing stories of her own, absolutely certain that everyone would just _love_ whatever she posted. Her talent was nonexistent, however, and it was rather pathetic that she couldn't realize it from the various flames she received every now and then.

On this extraordinary night, Stacey had just finished writing another one of her stories. It was quite late, being 1:47 in the morning. However, Stacey felt that she couldn't keep her readers waiting, and had no intention of saving her work and publishing it at a more sensible hour.

"Best not to let inspiration get away from you," she whispered to herself, giggling in her anticipation of the wonderful reviews she was sure that she would soon receive. She read over what she had just finished, basking in the glory she thought was glowing through the computer screen.

"_Oh Ian." Amy swooned. "I n-n-n-n-n-never t-t-t-t-thought you could be even m-m-m-m-m-more amazing then you already w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-were!"_

"_I know, love, I know." Ian replied modestly in his silky smooth British accent. "But don't you realize that we are running out of time? Isabel will get here any minute- And she will try to kill you! We have to stop her, love."_

"_B-b-b-b-b-b-b-bb-b-but h-h-h-h-h-how, Ian?" Amy sobbed._

"_We can do anything with true love." He told her. "Just believe, Amy. We can win." Ian leaned in dramatically to brush his lips against hers-_

"Yuck, this is absolutely _disgusting_!"

Stacey jumped out of her seat and nearly screamed. Standing in front of her were two figures, staring at her words in horror.

"AH! MOM! DAD! HELP! THERE'S TWO GUYS IN MY ROOM! AAAAH!"

"Please stop, we're not going to hurt you. We're just fictional characters," one said.

Stacey blinked. "Fictional… characters?" she asked slowly, obviously not comprehending.

"Of course, what did you think we were?" the second asked.

"Allow us an introduction," the first continued.** "**I am Fiske Cahill, and this is Dan Cahill," he said, motioning to the young boy beside him.

"You—But… Wha…?" Stacey stared at them, realizing that the man was dressed completely in black, and that the boy had stunning green eyes**.** "OMI! YOU'RE, LIKE, PEOPLE FROM A BOOK! THE 39 CLUES! THAT'S, LIKE, MY FAVORITE SERIES! AH!" She let out a high pitched squeal.

"I think my eardrums were just permanently damaged. Again," Dan said weakly, holding his ears gingerly.

"You tend to get used to it after being sent out on all of these recon missions," Fiske explained, patting his shoulder gently. Then, to Stacey, "Dan is new at this job, and I'm helping him learn about the recruiting process."

"Recruiting process?" Stacey asked, mystified. "For _what?_"

"The Official Fanfiction University of the 39 Clues," Dan said proudly.

"Wait, hold on. _University?_" Stacey shook her head. "I am waytoo young to go to one of those. I'm not even in high school yet!"

"This is a _Fanfiction_ University," Fiske elaborated. "You do not have to be a certain age to attend. You simply need to have the required writing level."

"You mean… you guys saw my writing?"

"Yup," Dan said, cringing.

"And you liked it?" Stacey began to bob excitedly.

"Heck**,** no!"

"But… But I don't understand!"

"Of course you don't," Fiske said. "But hopefully, after a semester at the OFU39, you will."

Stacey shook her head. "This is the weirdest dream that I've ever had," she muttered.

"It's not a dream," Dan said. "Although it's been frightening to see how many girls dream about me..." He stared off into the distance with a horrified expression on his face, and shuddered. "So… many… of them…"

"…What's wrong with him?" Stacey whispered to Fiske. He only shook his head sadly, and continued to explain about the University.

"Stacey Carter, your writing license has been provoked as of now. You will not be able to write or post any stories on Fanfiction-dot-net until you have-"

"WHAT?" Stacey shrieked. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T WRITE?"

Fiske groaned, and then launched into a speech that had obviously been recited many times before. "Do not worry. You will still be able to write your own fanfictions again. All you have to do is enroll in the Official Fanfiction University of the 39 Clues, OFU39 for short, and pass all of the courses, such as Grammar 101, taught by Alistair Oh, and Romance, instructed by Ian Kabra. The teaching staff includes many others from the series, including Jonah Wizard and Irina Spasky. Once you have successfully completed the course, you will receive your writer's license, and you can continue to write and publish as you see fit. Is that understood?"

Stacey swooned. "Ian… Ian Kabra? _Ian Kabra_ is going to… I'm going to meet _Ian Kabra?_"

"Ha, told you she was an Ian fan!" Dan smirked. "You said she was going to be all for Hamilton. Pay up!"

"We never made an actual bet," Fiske protested. "There have just been an unnatural amount of Ian lusters, and I thought that she might be a tad more unique."

Dan stuck his tongue out in reply.

"So you're saying that I'll be able to see Ian," Stacey said eagerly. This was certainly one of her stranger dreams, but at least it had Ian in it, who was one of her many book crushes. As long as he was in her mind's creations, she was happy to go along with this dream for as long as it lasted. "How? When? Now?**!** _Please?_"

Fiske rubbed at his eyes. "You might catch a glimpse of him tomorrow morning," he sighed. "Well, this morning, I suppose, as it is rather late… Or early, rather. But before you can go to the University, you must fill out this application form." He handed her a packet, and she eagerly accepted it.

It was surprisingly thick. The front page had the Cahill crest on it, the elegant _C_ surrounded by the four symbols of the branches. "The Official Fanfiction University of the 39 Clues" was printed at the top. She flipped to the second page. This one contained a lot more words, and after a moment Stacey realized that it was an introduction to the university.

She looked up at Dan and Fiske. "Do I seriously have to read this?" she asked.

"No," Dan piped up eagerly.

"It would be a good idea," Fiske said at the same time.

Stacey made a face as she discovered that the introduction was about five pages long. "Can't you just summarize it for me?"

Fiske sighed. "Well, it goes through the basic idea of what the university is and how it can help you. Then there are the details of various aspects of the university, from room and boarding to the classes you will be taking. It gives advice on how to get around the university, manage your time, etc."

"Sounds boring."

"It is," Dan said.

"I'll just skip it, then." Stacey's face fell when she saw that a list of rules was next. "Ugh, is this whole thing like this?"

"These rules are important," Fiske chastised her. "Following them will keep you out of trouble, embarrassment, punishment, and most likely pain."

The rules were twelve pages long. "Um. I'll take a summary again."

"Just don't do anything illegal or stupid," Dan said. "Oh, and don't glomp anyone."

Stacey shrugged and turned past the rules before Fiske could urge her to read them again. There was another list, this one of classes and their description. Her eyes immediately found the one being taught by Ian; Romance. Unfortunately, there wasn't a picture of him beside his name, but she smiled just to read the words "Ian Kabra." Then curiously, she looked at the class description.

_Full credit. This course will deal with romantic relationships between all sorts of characters, exploring their plausibility and potential throughout the series or in an alternate universe. It is suggested that this class be taken simultaneously as Characters, Mary-Sues/OCs and Clichés._

That sounded good—what was better than talking about Amian all day? Or even better, _Stacian_?

"Can I just take this one all day, every day?" she asked hopefully, pointing it out to Fiske.

He looked at the class dubiously. "Only if that were the sole area in which you need help, and I doubt that is the case."

"Oh…" Stacey gave a small sigh and continued past the list of classes and onto a form. There were lots of questions and places to fill in the answers. The first asked for her name.

"Do I have to answer all these?" She glanced up at Fiske before looking through the questions. Some had plenty of room for answers, but there were still a lot of questions.

"Yes," Fiske told her. "There's no summarizing that."

Stacey groaned. "Lame!" She grabbed her neon purple gel pen, sat at her desk, and quickly wrote down her name. After a moment's thought, she scratched it out and wrote "Stacellia Cahill". That was certainly better than "Stacey Carter".

Dan looked over her shoulder and snorted.

"What?" Stacey gripped her pen protectively. "It's… original… and pretty…"

He only shook his head and laughed.

Shaking it off, Stacey turned back to the form. There were a lot of easy, standard questions, like how old she was, her hair color, and if she had braces. It was nice when she simply had to circle something like "female" or "yes". Other questions took a bit longer to fill out, like her hobbies, talents, and solving for x in a stupid math equation.

"Wait," Stacey said when she came to question 26. "The color of my _toothbrush_? Why the heck do you guys want to know _that_?"

Fiske shrugged uncomfortably. "I didn't write the questions."

She looked to Dan, who only grinned. "I _wish_ I could have written the questions."

"There's a reason you didn't write the questions, Dan."

"What, just because I'm not 'old enough'?"

"… Yeah. _That's_ it."

Stacey shrugged and wrote _green._

A lot of the questions had to do with the books. It asked how many of them she had read, if she had read the author's other books, and which characters she liked the most and the least. The whole questionnaire went by surprisingly quickly, and she set down her pen with a grateful sight when she finished.

"There! Is that all?" she asked.

"Well, there are a lot more details about the university after the questions," Fiske said. "You might want to read—"

"Ugh, no!" Stacey closed the packet. "Are those just more stuff about how to use the bathroom and when to use a fork? I'm not a little kid, it's not like I won't be able to figure this school out."

"…There's also an agreement form you need to sign." Fiske opened up to the page after the questions. The print was notably smaller than the rest of the packet, and it looked like almost one big block of text.

Stacey raised her eyebrows. "Oh, no. I am _not _going to read that. How many pages is it? One, two, three… _seven_?" She stared at Fiske in disbelief.

Dan rolled his eyes. "It's just the fine print stuff. Like, if you get hurt, die, or whatever, it's not our fault. Typical stuff, you know?"

Fiske cleared his throat. "Well, I'm sure that's most of it, but you can never—"

"That's good enough for me." Stacey signed her name below. "_Now _is that everything?"

Fiske sighed. "I suppose so, for the application…" Stacey handed it to him, glad to be rid of it.

"Then can we go now?" Dan asked. "All of this pink and purple in such a small space is making me dizzy…"

"One more moment," Fiske said before turning back to Stacey. "You had better pack a bag. You will arrive at the University soon, as it is already morning. Rest up. It should be a long day of orientation." With one last shake of his head, Fiske walked out of her room, Dan following close behind. Stacey's door shut with a click, and she stared after it for a long while.

"…That was weird," she finally said out loud to no one in particular. But then she shrugged. Well, she _was_ awfully tired, so she figured that even if she was dreaming, it wouldn't hurt to go to sleep in the dream. She also decided to follow Fiske's advice and pack a bag, just in case the dream didn't do it for her.

Once her favorite outfits, accessories, and make-up were in the bag, she also stuck in her ipod, which was full of various Disney Channel artists' music. All of her outfits were modeled after their looks, she was proud to admit. She took great care of them, and was glad to be an only child—all of the money was spent on her that way.

When Stacey finished, she surveyed her room. She wondered what her dream would conjure up next… Well, it would probably end when she went to bed anyway, so she quickly changed into her pajamas and snuggled under her pink Hannah Montana covers, hugging her Camp Rock pillow close to her.

The last thing she saw before sleep overwhelmed her was the soft blue light of her alarm clock, announcing it to be 1:47 A.M.

* * *

**A/N:**

**Miss Fia: Yes, this is a rewrite. Much better don't you think?**

**If you would still like to apply for the university, please go to ofu39(dot)webs(dot)com and find the requirements and instructions there.  
**


	2. orientation

_The Official Fanfiction University of the 39 Clues_

~chapter two: orientation

_by Miss Fia and Miss Lacey_

* * *

Stacey was woken up by the sound of a slamming door. That was strange—her parents never slammed doors.

She rubbed her eyes and opened them slowly. Why was she so tired? Stifling a yawn, she looked around her room sleepily. Sunlight was streaming in through the window to her left. The suitcase she had packed in her dream sat against the far wall next to a brown wooden desk. Huh. Maybe she had been sleepwalking. Well, it was fun while it lasted, even if that snoring was getting annoying…

Wait. _Snoring?_

Eyes suddenly wide with fear, Stacey turned her head slowly to look at the slumbering, _snoring_ form in another bed. This was creepy. She didn't have any siblings. She didn't have an extra bed in her room. Plus, her room didn't have plain white walls- they were pink! And where did all her posters of the Jonas Brothers and Justin Bieber go? Stacey gasped and sat bolt upright. Where were her Hannah Montana blankets? _Where was her Camp Rock pillow?_

"Are you done gaping?" a grumpy (and rather annoying) voice asked. "Goodness, no one wants to see your open mouth! Get up and get down stairs. Orientation starts in about ten minutes."

Stacey could only think to move her eyes to see an old woman glaring at her. She wasn't very pretty- every portion of visible skin was wrinkled, her clothes weren't in style, and her oily gray hair was piled on top of her head in what looked like a beehive.

That was one big beehive.

"You!" the old woman yelled.

"Wha—?" Stacey started to ask.

"Wake up!"

There was a startled snort from the other bed. The figure gave a jolt and then sat up so quickly it almost fell off the bed and onto the floor. "Huh? Wusgoin' on?"

"Orientation! Ten minutes!" The old lady slammed the door with a humph of contempt.

Stacey stared at the girl who sat across the room from her with wide eyes. "… Who are you?"

She yawned. "Veronica. Who on earth are you? Did you put me here?" Veronica looked distastefully at her white sheets.

"Stacey. And I could ask you the same question." That sounded like a witty retort—she should use that in a story sometime! Ooh…

"Um, Stacey?"

She blinked. "Huh? What?"

Veronica gave her a funny look. "Did you hear what I just said?"

"… No…"

"I asked if you had a weird dream last night, too. About some book characters?"

Waking up in a new room with strangers was creepy. Meeting a psychic? Creepier. But kind of cool.

"Um." Stacey shrugged. "Yeah…"

Veronica gasped. "So—do you think this is real? You know, the university?"

Stacey tried to remember what Fiske—had he really been there?—had said last night. "The UFO? University for… No, that's not it."

Veronica frowned. "Um, wasn't it official, or something? I thought—"

"That's it!" Stacey cried. "The Official Fanfiction University of the 39 Clues!"

They were silent for a moment, realizing for the first time just how daunting that sounded. Was that an ominous echo Stacey heard?

"Wait," Veronica said. "So… you write on Fanfiction-dot-net, too?"

"Yeah. So?"

She leaned forward eagerly. "What's your username?"

"_JuicyStarRocks_," Stacey told her. "Why?"

Veronica gasped. "_You're_ JuicyStarRocks?" She squealed. "OMI, no _way_! That is _too cool_!"

"Wait, wait… who are _you_?" Stacy asked, bewildered.

"I'm _ian_luver_39_!" she cried with excitement.

Stacey stared at her for a moment. "You mean… V?" No wonder she'd suggested that for a nickname! Her actual _name_ started with that.

Veronica nodded, looking like she was about to burst into tears. "Star," she whispered happily.

It took approximately one second for both girls to leap out of their beds and fly into each others' arms, screaming for all they were worth. They jumped up and down together in circles, unable to contain their sudden joy.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ACTUALLY _MEETING_ YOU!"

"I'VE DREAMED ABOUT THIS MOMENT SO MANY TIMES!"

"This is too cool!"

"I love your hair!"

"OMI, _thanks_! Yours is _sooo_ cute, too!"

"Haha, like, really? Thanks!"

They continued chatting and hugging and exclaiming just how _cool_ this was until the door was thrust open. The hideous, old woman was back, her face looking even more distorted with disgust than before.

"What is going on here?" she demanded.

"OMI," Veronica said. "I just found my BFF!"

They screamed again.

"Who knew this would ever happen?" Stacey laughed. "It's like destiny!"

The woman stared at Veronica. "OMI?" she asked slowly. "What on this earth is that supposed to mean?"

"Oh My Ian," Stacey and Veronica stated very matter-of-factly.

She raised a hand to her eyes and sighed. "I should have known." Then she glared at them. "No screaming for pathetic fangirl reasons," she snapped. "Detention."

"What?" Stacey cried. "That's not fair! Come on, I totally just fulfilled a life-long dream, and—"

"I don't care. Detention!" She turned to go. "Orientation is in eight minutes." And she slammed the door again.

* * *

It took Stacey and Veronica another while to fully appreciate their good luck. Then they realized they had barely five minutes to get ready, and they dared not be late for orientation—that terrible woman might extend their detention.

While they were getting ready, Stacey took a closer look at Veronica. Her friend had shoulder-length black hair that took her a while to untangle to its natural straight state. Her eyes were brown, she had a perfect tan, perfect white teeth, _and_ she wasn't fat! Veronica was only a little shorter than her, too. She couldn't wait to ask her about what she did to be so pretty.

The two friends then began following the flow of students in the hallway, which descended down a grand staircase to a spacious ballroom. There was a podium set up at one end of the room and chairs in front of it which were filling up quickly. Another old woman—though prettier than the first—was talking into the microphone.

"Please sit yourselves quickly, everyone. We wish to start as soon as possible!"

Stacey wondered what was up with all the old ladies, but this one had an air of authority about her that she wasn't going to say no to. Everyone else seemed to catch that vibe, too, and soon everyone was seated and talking quietly, if at all. Stacey glanced around curiously at the people surrounding her. Most of those seated were girls, and any guys were sitting uncomfortably near the edges or in the back. Veronica sat on Stacey's right, and another girl was on her left. She seemed to be deeply shaken, and was muttering "So… _ugly_," under her breath. Maybe the beehive hair lady had given her detention, too.

Another group behind the podium were a mix of genders and ages and, and most of them were sitting as well. She recognized Dan chatting with a fidgeting girl, and Fiske was talking seriously with the nicer old woman.

"Did Dan and Fiske visit you last night?" Stacey asked Veronica.

"Yeah!" She nodded happily. "It was too cool."

"But then… if that's Dan," she pointed him out, "wouldn't it make sense if _that_ was Amy?"

The girl was twisting a strand of hair around her finger, her eyes darting around the room. Stacey was too far to clearly see them, but they didn't seem abnormally dark or terribly light. Wait, that looked like a touch of green. Yes, she was certain that the girl's eyes were a brilliant shade of jade green. And her hair was a perfect combination of red and brown. Stacey had always kept a lookout for such hair in real life, but never had it been as natural as what she saw now.

Veronica seemed to be considering the girl's appearance as well, for her eyes suddenly widened. "That has _so_ got to be Amy! Given!" She grabbed Stacey's arm and shook it excitedly. "So if that guy was Fiske," she pointed him out, "then that crabby lady must be Beatrice!"

"And the other one is Grace," Stacey finished. And then, "Wait. Beatrice just gave us detention!" She gasped indignantly. "I can't believe it! After that wonderful monologue I gave her in that one story…"

"Who cares?" Veronica said softly. "Guess who _that_ is?"

Stacey's eyes locked onto the figure of a teenage boy. His skin was a dark brown similar to the color of coffee, his black hair cut fairly short but stylishly. And above all, Stacey was certain that she saw the color of amber in his eyes.

"Ian," she breathed.

Veronica nodded. "Given," she sighed wistfully as she stared at him.

But just as Stacey began to comprehend what being so close to the _real_ Ian might entail, Grace came back to the microphone. She tapped it lightly to call for the attention of the teenagers who were chatting. "Please listen, everyone," she said. When she saw that she was obeyed, she continued. "I'm afraid there have been a few minor issues of confusion. But do not worry; these will be sorted out accordingly by your counselors."

"Counselors?" Veronica muttered skeptically. "Lame."

"Now, let's get down to business," Grace said. "I am Grace Cahill, Headmistress of the Official Fanfiction University of the 39 Clues, which you can all call OFU39 for short. You are all attending students who will be required to pass all of the given courses in order to continue publishing on Fanfiction-dot-net."

Worried conversation rose, but she hushed the crowd. "Allow me to introduce to you my brother, Fiske Cahill, who is my assistant head deputy." He stood, causing some excited whispers.

Grace waited a moment before continuing. "Settle down—all right, now I would like to introduce you to our course coordinators, Miss Fia and Miss Lacey."

The two who stood up to be recognized seemed very strange to Stacey. She couldn't quite put an age to either of them, although somewhere between 17 and 25 seemed about right.

The first girl (woman?) was tall and held her head up high. She looked at the students with disgust and put a hand on her hip. Her blond hair was long and elegantly curled, and she was wearing a sheik black dress that seemed meant for making terrifying impressions on the first day of anything. She was a sharp contrast to the girl beside her, and their eyes were where the similarities ended.

The other one was smiling at them in a friendly way, swaying on her feet a bit. Her hair had been dyed a bright shade of red, and while she could have been older, her expression made her seem like a little girl hoping for a bit of candy. Her doe-like brown eyes were wide and eager, and her sundress only made her look more like a child. She caught Veronica's eye and waved excitedly to her, despite the fact that she had never seen her before in her life.

"I don't remember them from the series," Veronica whispered to Stacey.

"They weren't in it," the girl to Stacey's left said. "Why would they be here?"

Stacey glanced at her, but something about the girl made her turn her head to face her directly. She wasn't necessarily very ugly or very pretty. But her eyes—

"My name is Viola," she said. "Don't look at my eyes!"

Viola's eyes were an interesting sight, Stacey had to admit. They were the ugliest shade of purple she had ever seen.

"I'll try not to," Stacey mumbled, bewildered.

Grace was calling for the crowd's attention again. "The rest of the staff consists of the characters you should all know from reading _The 39 Clues. _The first five who you should meet are your counselors. You have all been divided into one of the five branches of the Cahill family, and your counselor will belong to this same family." She held up a clipboard. "I will now read off the counselors and those who belong to each branch. If you have any issue with the decision, you may talk to your counselor at a set time in the future.

"First, the Janus branch: your counselor is Cora Wizard."

Cora stood up and flashed a perfect smile. Striding up to the microphone, she tossed her hair. "I'll read off the names." She took the list from Grace and cleared her throat. "Please say 'here' when called. Sophia M."

A girl near the back raised her hand tentatively. "Um, here."

Cora made a note on her clipboard. "Emily?"

"Here."

Stacey and Veronica listened fervently for their names, but neither of them was called for the Janus branch.

"I bet we'll be Madrigals," Veronica assured her friend. Stacey nodded, biting her lip.

Grace stepped forward again. "Now, the Lucians. Your counselor is Vikram Kabra."

Vikram and Cora passed each other with distasteful looks, and then he silently took the list.

"Bryce Emmons."

Stacey shivered. His voice was cold and cut through the air like a knife aimed for the heart. Although she had once imagined that he might sound more like Ian's silky, smooth accent, his words were more abrupt and clearly annunciated as if the people he were talking to were toddlers who could barely follow his words.

It took a moment for the boy to reply to his name, and most of the other Lucians stumbled over their responses.

Grace announced that the Tomas counselor was Mary-Todd Holt, who looked very excited to call out names.

"Flying Pigs!"

Stacey and Veronica couldn't help giggling, and it seemed that most of the other students couldn't, either.

"Who puts _that_ as a name?" Veronica looked around to see who would answer.

A short girl on the front row was blushing terribly. "Here," she mumbled.

"Who said that?" Mary-Todd frowned disapprovingly at the laughing.

The girl winced. "I did."

"Ah, it's wonderful to see you, Flying Pigs!" Mary-Todd happily checked off her name. Once the laughs subsided, she said another name. "Stacellia Cahill!"

Stacey froze. _What?_ Had she heard that right? No, Mary-Todd couldn't have just called _her_ name and put her in the stupid Tomas branch.

Mary-Todd looked around, confused. "Stacellia Cahill? Am I saying it right?"

Veronica nudged her. "Is that you?"

Stacey tried to keep her eyes from watering. "I—no, that can't be! I can't be a Tomas!"

Murmurs rose, everyone wondering why no one was responding.

Miss Fia stood up, looking directly at Stacey. "Stacey Carter," she said. Her words burned like ice. "Are you here or not?"

Silence.

"H-here," she whimpered. Then, she stood up. "But I can't be a _Tomas!_" She clenched her hands into fists. "I specifically put down in my application that I wanted to be a Janus or a Madrigal! Or both… I can't be a Tomas!"

"Yeah, and I wanted to be a Madrigal, too."

"_I_ wanted to be an Ekaterina!"

Suddenly, there were a lot of people wondering why they hadn't been put into the branches they wanted. The rest were afraid for their fate or gloating that they _had_ gotten into the right one.

Miss Lacey looked worried. "Oh, no!" She tugged on Miss Fia's arm. "I thought you said everyone would love their branches."

Miss Fia mocked her fellow staff member's frown. "Oh, no, well _too bad_." She glared at the fangirls whining around her. "Everyone _shut up._" Her voice was magnified by the microphone, and she was pleased to see that she was obeyed instantly.

"There. Now—" she gave Stacey a pointed look. "As Grace _kindly_ mentioned right before we started sorting you all out, you can talk to your counselors later about any issues you have. Does everyone understand?"

The fangirls followed Miss Lacey's example, who was trying to hide the fear in her face and nodding frantically.

"Good." She gave a sickening smile that was probably meant to look sweet. "Now, the only other words I want to hear for the next ten minutes are the names that the counselors call and a proper 'here' from the rest of you. Is that clear?"

More nods.

Miss Fia sat down. "Perfect."

Mary-Todd cleared her throat. "Um. Veronica Williams?"

Veronica gaped at her. "Did she just—"

"V," Stacey whispered, "the scary blonde is glaring at you."

Veronica's mouth closed with a snap. Then, "Here…" She cringed and turned back to her friend. "Well, at least we'll be together, right?"

Stacey slumped down in her seat and sighed. "Yeah. At least there's that."

* * *

"You should all find a small drawstring backpack under your chairs." Grace waited for everyone to do so. They were all black with the Cahill crest upon them, with a smaller emblem of the OFU39 below that. "Inside it you will find many useful items. An empty notebook and pencil, to begin the notes that you will surely need for this semester; a map of the university; a library card; a meal card; and many things of the like."

Stacey pulled out the notebook. How on earth did it have "Stacellia Cahill" on it? She looked at Veronica, who had found the same result on her notebook.

"Ooh, look! There are these cute little pictures of books on the library card!"

Grace tapped the microphone for everyone to quiet down again. "Please gather with your counselor. They will be giving you and the rest of your branch a tour of the university. The Janus will be meeting in the front corner to my left, the Lucians to the back left corner, the Tomas to the back right, the Ekaterina to the front right, and the Madrigals in the middle. Go!"

Stacey stood up with a sigh and she and Veronica began making their way to their designated area. Viola gave them a sympathetic look. "Um, sorry you didn't get the branch you wanted."

"Yeah, easy for you to say." Stacey kicked a chair. "You got into the Ekaterina branch. That's better than Tomas."

"Hey, I bet it won't be that bad."

Veronica frowned. "They'll probably make us work out all day. Do pushups and jumping jacks, or something."

Viola shrugged. Giving a small wave, she turned to go meet with her branch leader, Bae Oh.

Stacey and Veronica turned as well, coming face to face with Miss Fia.

"Ah!" Stacey jumped, staring at the course coordinator with wide eyes. "How did you get there?"

"I walked," she deadpanned.

Miss Lacey popped up beside her and giggled. "Ha-ha-ha-ha, me too!" She twirled a strand of her hair. "Oh my goodness, it was so much fun. And then I almost tripped, and—"

"Shut up, Lacey." Miss Fia crossed her arms and gave Stacey a pointed look. "Listen up, fanbrat. You're probably used to getting your own way. Only child?"

"Yeah, but—"

"Well now you're not going to, so suck it up. I don't care how stupid you think the Tomas are, that's where you were put. Maybe it says something about you."

Miss Lacey started humming a cheerful tune.

Miss Fia leaned forward menacingly. "Now get this straight, Stacey. You can make this experience horrifyingly torturous, or only slightly horrifyingly torturous. Just follow the rules, and you'll end up somewhat okay." She stepped back and straightened. "Bye-bye now. Come on, Lacey, let's go," she ordered.

"Oh, bye!" Miss Lacey called, waving enthusiastically to Stacey and Veronica. "I love your nose!"

Stacey and Veronica stared at them.

"Who was she talking to?"

"I have no idea."

"Oh Stacellia! Veronica!" Mary-Todd came up to them, jogging in place with a wide grin on her face. "We're meeting over here. Come on!" She waved them over and began jogging back to the her corner of the room.

Veronica obeyed, and Stacey followed with a deep sense of foreboding.

Was it just her, or was that ominous music playing in the background?

* * *

**A/N:**

**Miss Fia: Just in case you are unaware, the first chapter has been rewritten (mostly the second half). We are terribly sorry that this hasn't been updated very frequently at all. Please rest assured that we are much more organized now, though. Applications are still open; again, please go to ofu39(dot)webs(dot)com for more information. Reviews are not meant for applications; however, we would be delighted if you would submit one about the content and quality of the story instead.**

**Miss Lacey: Yeah. And keep a look-out for the next chapter. It's going to be  
wonderful.**

**...I'm going to go eat some red-velvet cupcakes now.**


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